Laura's fun journal

man, i really understand now how important privacy is to me. i don't feel like there's ever a time i am truly ALONE on this campus. i'm never alone in my room (well, it's rare anyway), i'm never alone walking to class, in class i'm surrounded, at uds i'm surrounded...sometimes i think the bathroom is my only recluse, but then there's just this wall between our bathroom and our neighbors', so more often than not, my privacy there is interrupted by sounds of someone next door gargling or blowing their nose or pissing or brushing their teeth. i've made it a point now to be home when she* is at night classes, so i can be alone in my room. i try to get all my chores done beforehand, so i can have time to just chill-alone. or talk on the phone without her listening and adding stuff. argh. I cannot wait to get out of Middlebrook.

haha, i LOVED this show!!!

You are CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. She is a rad
chick with absolutely no fashion sense. If you
are a guy and chose this... you are gay.


Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
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I'm not sure this is entirely accurate. But interesting, nonetheless.


½›(0x8855730)


What type of Depression do you have? (MANY different outcomes)
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things about middlebrook that annoy me (in no particular order):
1) scary IT boys who walk really close to the wall in little steps
2) the food
3) the stupid bag lunch rules
4) the music my neighbor plays (theme songs from disney movies)
5) the annoying loud people on my floor
6) the fact that i can't eat in the cyber cafe anymore
7) my roommate's alarm
8) my roommate's music
9) the lack of windows in my room
10) girls (and boys, sometimes) walking around in big furry slippers
11) the lack of washers and dryers
12) the lack of working washers and dryers
13) not being able to make private phone calls
14) not having anywhere to sit in private
15) ok, lack of privacy in general
16) making my bed (it's a bunk)
17) the way my bed creaks when i get in or out
18) the way my door creaks " "
19) the sharp evil sprinkler thing by my bed
20) the heating system
21) not having an oven
22) not having a dishwasher
23) not having a tub
24) not having a grocery store nearby
25) the prices at the c store
26) meal times (not convenient)
27) tiny closets
28) ugly carpeting, wall and window treatments
29) nowhere to keep a car
30) no reception

ok, i think that's about it for now. i'll probably be adding to this periodically.

sigh.......
so tired.
so annoyed.
want my own room.
sigh.

have you even asked me about my grandma? no, not once, since saturday when i told you about it. this is the kind of thing i'm talking about. you just get so wrapped up in being mad that you don't think about the midterm i just took, or whatever else could be happening in someone else's life. grr.

argh-where is my vogue????? it's march 3rd and still no march issue of vogue? i'm beginning to wonder if someone stole it...maybe the mail delivery person.
adri is driving me up the wall....all we do is piss each other off or mess around cuz one of us is in the mood to. it's not romantic anymore. and all the niceities are gone. there's no courtesy or politeness. there's no love letters or sweetness. it sucks. we don't even work as friends anymore. we just don't get along. i don't like myself or him when we're together. it's just bad and it's gotta change. i think we should just work on being friends. once we can start getting along again, the physical stuff could come back, and it would be better. anyway, what do you think, adri? (since you're reading this.) you probably won't say anything. you won't email me. you won't send me a letter. you'll never make me a mixed tape. you'll never do any of that. pooh. see, i don't want anything that costs money. i don't want you to buy me stuff. i want you to care about me, to make me feel like i'm special to you and i'm worth it. i want you to show that you're thinking of me. let me reiterate: i don't want you to buy stuff. i just want to feel like you truly care. not this stuff where you do it just because you feel obligated or cuz you want to appease me or whatever, i don't know. just true giving. peaceful stuff. like getting along. like not getting irritated at every little thing. make me feel like you don't need to get upset about stuff, because i'm there and all the other crap shouldn't matter. i try to do that with you. i confide in you but i don't dump stuff on you that has nothing to do with you.
sigh.

OK, so i know i'm stalling. I have a midterm tomorrow and a little talk to give about my topic for my paper in sociology (single sex education). i just am so sick of thinking about it that i just want to get it over with. i wish i could just take it all now. i'm not really prepared for my picasso midterm, but argh i'm just so tiiiiiiired of all of it. i haven't even done that much studying, i just, i don't know. i'm just so sick of school! i have no motivation. sigh. spring break can't be here fast enough if you ask me.

I wish i could be going to Arizona with my dad. I would, but I really can't miss any more school. I feel really bad about it.
I wish Adri had a blog. I feel like he's just privvy to all these thoughts I write down and I don't get any feedback. I know he reads them, but there's never any response, you know? It's like this one-sided conversation. I never know what he's feeling.
I just can't make myself study. I wanted to go over to Adri's and talk about my grandma and maybe play their keyboards for awhile, but Adri just made me feel stupid for even calling. He didn't really say anything about my grandma other than something to the effect of "that stuff happens". He asked if he could do anything, and I don't know what he could've done, except say something to make me feel comforted. He didn't invite me over and when I asked if I could come see him, he acted like he couldn't understand why I would want to. He's my best friend, and of course if my heart hurts I'm going to want to be with him. I just feel really upset and sad and I feel like I have no one to go to. I tell him I can't really tell what he's thinking and he just kinda laughs...i mean, if you don't want me to come over, say so, but don't let me come over if you don't want me. That'll just make me feel worse. Man, if his grandma were dying I would not act like this.

sigh...well i went home today, and i had been home for hardly an hour when my aunt calls and says that my grandma (on my dad's side) isn't doing very well...various phone calls ensue and my mom says that she probably won't make it. i ask how long they expect and she says 24 hours...my dad is up north at this point, by himself since tommy's at spanish camp and my mom asks if he wants her to book him a flight. he does, and she books him one for tonight. he packs up his stuff, drives three hours back home, has a cigar on the way, and now, he's about to leave for the airport. his sister and her daughter, my only cousin on that side, are flying at 5:30 tomorrow morning. my dad will probably stay there a few days, probably until the funeral's over. it's all so sudden. i feel overwhelmed, alone, sad, regretful, upset...i wish i had known her better, but doesn't everyone say that? i always wished i had known more about her. she came from czechloslovakia when she was three. i'd like to have known more about that.

what kind of "friend" leaves another friend to sit alone and cry by themselves while they go read the newspaper in another room?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
this does not feel like a fun journal today.
sigh.
i broke up with adri last night. it was weird. no one cried. there was no pleading (at least in the usual sense). no grabbing my arm and refusing to let go. no insisting on sleeping on my floor and following me to class.
which didn't make it any less hard, unfortunately.
cuz when he reacts all psycho like that it reinforces the sentiment that i'm doing the right thing.
now, i know i'm doing the right thing but it's just so painful. god, i want it to work, so badly. but it just doesn't. i don't know why, but it just does not improve. sometimes i think, maybe it has, but then i force myself to take an honest look at it, at our fights, my tears, the things i have sacrificed, and i think, this is unneccessarily bad.
of course i'll miss being romantic with him. but those things aren't enough to cover up the times when i feel unsupported and uncared for. it may temporarily make things better, but it isn't going to hide the fact that i get yelled at if i want to hang out with someone else, if even for a few hours. even if he's at work. (!)
also, i need to find my own friends, and it has to be done without him. i'm not strong enough to fight against him and find friends at the same time. and i don't want to be in a relationship where i'm afraid to leave because i have nothing else. that was my mistake. before i can date him, i need to have friends to feel solid enough. he has an established community, i do not.
sigh.
i want to cry. i care about him so much. i want to go back to him but i know i know i know i have to be strong and not. i know this is right but it's so hard. so hard.

Ay, I have a big sociology midterm tomorrow and my professor is SUPER vague about it. He's like, well, look over the bold words...and it'll be an essay test...probably writing on one thing...i'm not really sure how i'm supposed to organize the bold words into themes of sociology to write on...i mean, i can memorize terms but i don't feel like that's effective for essays, which is more about ideas and theories. i suppose it's also helpful to have the right vocabulary to write the thing, but i don't know, i just feel sort of lost with it...
I'm still pretty upset with Adri. I don't know why he can't just mellow out. It's not fair that he has this huge thing every time I want to do something, but it's all cool if he goes and plays guitar for a couple hours a few floors up and waltzes in at 1:20 in the morning before he goes home. And it's all cool if he hangs out with freshman girls in their rooms and talks to them about sex and they call him after midnight. But heaven forbid I should do anything without a) telling him in advance, b)reminding him periodically so he doesn't forget, c)reassure him that I'm not trying to meet guys or get drunk or avoid him or ditch him and that I'll d)hang out with him before and afterward. Man.

it's not that i miss being single, because i like having a boyfriend. but i do miss being able to do what i want without having someone tell me that it's wrong...i don't feel like i can eat the way i want or talk to certain people or go certain places without getting the third degree. it's really frustrating.